One or three or more….

Growing up, I played with dolls. But I was never big on the “playing house” element of dolls. I didn’t dream of having babies/being mommy. I’d arrange sets and put up theatricals instead, sometimes borrowing my brother’s action figures to beef up the cast, haha. 

As I moved from college to the rest of my life, I was pretty sure I’d become the single, crazy aunt that my siblings’ kids could send their kids to, with all my books and cats.
In a curious twist of fate while living in Colorado, in between job hunting and reading, I spent time on an online forum for geeks and nerds. Everything movies, comics, video games, etc. One of my forum friends became my best friend, years later my boyfriend and years later the Bear. 

It wasn’t until I found myself married to a great guy that I started thinking of Mommyhood. But six years and two miscarriages into our life together, it seemed that it just wasn’t going to happen. With PCOS and the doctors gently pointing out I was reaching the “mature mother” stage of the late 30s, things looked grim. We thought about adoption, but the ever-relocating nature of a military life made it hard to plan. 

A routine checkup a year after arriving to our current duty station told us that EB was on the way. While pregnant with him, someone shared this article with me: “Why miscarriage matters when you’re pro-life”

I have heard almost every single one of the things the author lists, often from those close to me and more than once concerning our loses. 

I have a toddler now and he’s the light of my days; everyday he amazes me with the strength of his life and determination to accomplish things, no matter how small. I live in a constant haze of exhaustion and caffeine fumes but I love him to bits. 

However, there is no doubt that I miss the other two as well. As my due date approached, more than one person said something to me along the lines of “NOW you’re gonna be a Mom”.
And I couldn’t help but start pondering about it. Am I the mother of one child or three? The other two babies might not have made it, but that doesn’t make them any less real to me.

And if I introduce myself as the mother of one, am I denying the other two? I know if I introduce myself as the mother of three and they only see one, they’ll ask about the other two and that will be a very uncomfortable conversation on both sides.

These thoughts keep me up at night sometimes.

Back in October I started feeling sick. My exhaustion was reaching worrysome levels and out of sheer curiosity and because I still had one in the cabinet, I took a pregnancy test. And then the lab at the hospital took another. And to make it a short story……..we found out this last week that we’re having another boy. 

The gentle “you’re getting older” from the doctors now officially reads “mature pregnancy” on my chart and I’ve had some interesting tests done to make sure things are going ok.
I am beyond exhausted now, but excited about the possibilities, with a side of “good grief we’ll be changing duty stations with a 2 year old, a 4 month old and two cats” hyperventilating thrown into the mix. 

After GB (as baby boy #2 will be referred to from now on) arrives, we’ll be done with having kids. It’s good to understand your limitations, haha. 

Am I now the mother of 4? 2? 1 with 1 on the way? Musings, musings. 

Have a good day. 


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